The incrediblystupid sequel that serves no purpose
by Shades of Ink
Summary: The title says it all. With Voldemort poked to death, and yet not exactly dead (?)... prepare for the inevitable when the Dark Lord POKES BACK! Then what, you ask? I don't know! I haven't gotten to that chapter yet, you dunderheads!
1. To Kill a Cheerio

Voldemort: Ouch!  
  
James: Can I stop poking him? My finger's starting to hurt.  
  
Remus: Stop complaining, Prongs.  
  
Voldemort: Ouch! Stop that!  
  
James: No. I should have the right to take a break if I want, shouldn't I Padfoot?  
  
Remus: Padfoot's not talking to anyone.  
  
James: What makes you think that?  
  
Remus: Because he hasn't said a word.  
  
James: Oh, that makes sense. Why not?  
  
Remus: He just finished reading the fifth book.  
  
James: Padfoot, just get over it.  
  
Sirius: How can I? I'm dead! Harry was right!  
  
Harry just realized he could talk as well. "Of course I was right," he said to the map.  
  
Sirius: This can't happen to me!  
  
Remus: Calm down, Sirius.  
  
Sirius: CURSE YOU, ROWLING!  
  
James: You do realize, the author created you? It wouldn't be wise to make her mad.  
  
Sirius: What does it matter? She can't do anything else to me!  
  
Remus: The author can do anything. For all we know, she could bring you back and kill you again.  
  
James: Moony, you're scaring me.  
  
Remus: And then make you a ghost, but with pink bunny ears, and trap you inside a dungeon full of snarling grindylows that look remarkably like Snape.  
  
Sirius: She'll probably kill you off, too!  
  
Remus: She won't.  
  
James: What makes you so sure?  
  
Remus: She can't.  
  
Sirius: Why not?  
  
Remus: Er. I don't know, she just. er. can't.  
  
James: I don't know about that.  
  
Remus: Why would she? That would make her a serial character killer! The muggle please-men, and the entire Order would track her down!  
  
Sirius: Cereal?  
  
James: Like Cheerios?  
  
Sirius: I like Cheerios. Did you hear they started making strawberry ones?  
  
James: Honestly, who'd want to kill nice cute little Cheerios?  
  
Remus: I think Rowling gives you guys way too much credit. Exactly WHY she portrays you two as these sort of geniuses is beyond me.  
  
Voldemort: Ouch!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
AN: I know that right now it has absolutely no plot, but trust me, it will. I think Voldie will find a way to take revenge for that endless poking. PREPARE FOR THE INEVITABLE WHEN THE DARK LORD DARES TO POKE BACK!!!! 


	2. The Tables Turn

Hey, people. Hello? Ya. If you haven't read "The Marauder's Map and how it defeated Voldie" then you prolly won't understand what's going on.   
  
Okay. that said...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Voldemort: Ouch!  
  
Voldemort: Ouch!!  
  
Voldemort: Stop it, I mean it!  
  
Voldemort: ARGH!  
  
Sirius: Ha ha.  
  
James: Ouch!  
  
Remus: What was that Prongs?  
  
James: I said 'Ouch!'  
  
Sirius: Oh. I got that the firt time.  
  
Remus: Good for you, Padfoot.  
  
This was what Harry did in his spare time at Privet Drive. Dudley had his computer games and his playstation, and his new Corvette, and his froot loops, but no, Harry had the marauders, and that was FAR more entertaining.  
  
James: Ouch!  
  
Sirius: That isn't funny, Prongs.  
  
James: Why would it be funny? I'm suffering here!  
  
Remus: How's that?  
  
James: Voldemort's poking me back!  
  
Harry gasped in horror.  
  
Voldemort: hee hee.  
  
All of a sudden (dun dun dunnn) harry hears a clatter of noises downstairs and a jumble of angry shouts from his uncle.  
  
"What nerve you have to barge in here - what do you think you're - Petunia, he has a wand!!"  
  
There was a multitude of shouts and screams and cows mooing. (ha, just kidding.)  
  
Remus: What was that, Harry?  
  
Harry looked around frantically for his wand. "How am I supposed to know?" he cried.  
  
Before Harry could reach the door, however, the door swung open, and there stood none other than...  
  
Peter Pettigrew, and a toy cow. (don't ask)  
  
But as Wormtail set the cow upon Harry's dresser, and brought out his wand, Harry saw that the Toy Cow was only a disguise for what it really was...  
  
A book.  
  
At that moment, the marauder's map once again shone with fresh ink as the words of Voldemort wrote themselves with invisible hands.  
  
Voldemort: Harry, haven't you wondered why my faithful Wormtail wasn't with the other Death Eaters in the Department of Mysteries? Ever wondered why he never even showed up, or was even mentioned in your fifth year?  
  
Wormtail beamed proudly at himself as he held up the large book.  
  
"I've been in the library the whole time. It took forever to find this." he said.  
  
In the gleam of the sunlight shining through the window, Harry could finally read what the book was titled.  
  
~~"Escaping Presumed Dead Dark Wizards from Really Old Enchanted Maps Without Drawing Muggles' Attention For Dummies."~~  
  
James: Wow.  
  
Sirius: Move over, Prongs, I can't see.  
  
Remus: What kind of a library did you find that at?  
  
Wormtail looked as if Remus should have known. "Why, the Library for Determined Death Eaters, of course."  
  
Voldemort: Tuesday's Bingo Night.  
  
Wormtail gasped. "It is, isn't it? And, bloody hell, it's tuesday, isn't it?"  
  
Harry nodded, and he supposed if the other marauders could, they would have as well.  
  
Wormtail shook Harry's hand. "Well, I must be leaving then."  
  
Sirius: Are you sure you wouldn't like to stay for tea and crumpets?  
  
Remus: Shut up, Padfoot.  
  
Voldemort: Wait, aren't you going to get me out of here first?  
  
Wormtail stomped his foot like a six year old. "Awwwww, do I have to?  
  
Voldemort: Yes!  
  
Wormtail scowled at the parchment, opened the book (which mooed) and muttered, "Flegelraskamanniforstalette."  
  
With a pop, Voldemort appeared in the room, brushing off his robes. "thanks."  
  
"No problem."  
  
James: Wait! Aren't you going to let us out, too, Peter?  
  
remus: Please?  
  
Wormtail frowned genuinely. "I'm sorry, but that's a whole different book. I don't think it's in the library i go to. You could try the Library for Worn Out Trouble Makers who Think they are Young but Are really Dead and Sealed Inside of an Accursed Map That they Made Themselves While They were Children at School. They might help."  
  
Remus: Is that supposed to be a joke?  
  
Sirius: They have Tea Parties on Wednesdays!  
  
James: Oh sod it.  
  
Voldemort smiled cheerfully and gave them all an energetic wave. "Bye, all."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I know, that was utterly revolting but... like I said (or maybe failed to mention) i have WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS. *wink*  
  
Reviews make me happy, and happy makes me write.  
  
And writing just makes a mess of everything, but you seem to be enjoying it because you're reviewing! 


	3. Harry Potter and the Glare of Death

Chapter Three: Harry Potter and the Glare of Death  
  
Hey, anybody who can spot the Monty Python quote will get to be a future character in the story!  
  
I   
  
MUST  
  
KNOW  
  
LUPIN'S  
  
MIDDLE   
  
NAME.  
  
okay. now you can read.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Mama, who was that?"   
  
"Who was what?"  
  
"The scary man that passed us."  
  
The witch turned to look behind her. She smiled knowingly. "Oh, honey, that's just some creep without a life who is pretending to be You-Know-Who just to scare us away, so he doesn't have to wait in line."  
  
"OOooohhhhh. That's what I thought."  
  
The wizard in the hooded cloak spun around dramatically, brought out his wand, and yelled, "Avada Kadavra!"  
  
Green light shot from the tip of his wand and hit a runaway golden snitch. The snitch halted in mid-air and dropped on the spot.   
  
Voldemort frowned, "Darn my bad aim!"  
  
The little girl screamed and kicked him hard in the knee. "You bad, bad, nice-people-hater!"  
  
Voldemort's lips trembled as a tear trickled down his cheek, and he ran out of Gringotts crying his eyes out.  
  
His first attack on the wizarding world since he had been sealed inside of the map and then restored back into the world did not go well.  
  
The Daily Prophet was convinced it was all a sick joke.  
  
Well, in a way, it was - but the people were supposed to be screaming their heads off and running around in circles by now.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Harry felt like screaming his head off and running around in circles, but didn't.  
  
Wormtail rocked back and forth on his heels, and he beamed. "Still up for that tea and crumpets?"  
  
Harry only glared.   
  
But this was no ordinary glare. It was the 'Harry Potter Glare of Death' - the one that saved him from Voldemort when he was baby.  
  
Wormtail screamed shrilly, turned tail, and fled.  
  
Harry turned back to the Map in time to see words written there already:  
  
James: That was impressive.  
  
Harry smiled proudly, "Thanks."  
  
Sirius: Get me out of here!  
  
James: Did Wormtail say where that library was?  
  
Remus: Prongs, he's a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking, traitorous idiot. I don't think he was serious.  
  
Sirius: You called?  
  
Remus: Shut it, Padfoot.  
  
Sirius: Oh.  
  
James: It could be real - the library, you know?  
  
Remus: I doubt it.  
  
James: He could have been telling the truth...  
  
Remus: Not a chance.  
  
Sirius: Oh come on, Moony. Try to remember Peter before he was a bloddy Death Eater...  
  
James: Padfoot, why do you capitalize "death eater" ?  
  
Sirius: Oh sorry, does that bother you ickle Jamesie?  
  
Harry snorted, and tried to hide it behind a loud cough.  
  
James: DON'T  
  
CALL  
  
ME  
  
THAT  
  
EVER  
  
AGAIN  
  
IN  
  
YOUR  
  
ENTIRE  
  
BLOODY  
  
LIFE.  
  
Sirius: Oh, you're no fun anymore.  
  
Remus: Anyway... what were we talking about?  
  
James: Err...  
  
Harry's grin vanished. "You were talking about Wormtail."  
  
Sirius: Oh yes, right.  
  
~  
  
Silence - or rather, parchment blankness.  
  
~  
  
James: So... what about him?  
  
Remus: He's a murderous traitor who can't be trusted.  
  
Sirius: Oh come on, give him a chance.  
  
Remus: I'd like to hear you say that after he frames you for murder.  
  
Sirius: *ink smudge*  
  
James: He's our last chance.  
  
Sirius: Please, Moony?  
  
Remus: No.  
  
James: Come on.  
  
Remus: No.  
  
Sirius: Please?  
  
Remus: No.  
  
Sirius: Please?  
  
Remus: Okay.  
  
James: Oy! He agreed!  
  
Sirius: I noticed.  
  
Remus: Agreed to what?  
  
James: To considering the possibility of thinking about maybe considering thinking about believing what Wormtail said.  
  
Sirius: Well said, Prongs.  
  
Remus: Err...  
  
James: So, how are we going to do this?  
  
Sirius: Good question.  
  
Remus: Um.  
  
Harry sighed, "Do you guys want me to find the library or something?"  
  
James: You'd do that?  
  
Harry rolled his eyes, "What, were you expecting to find it yourself?"  
  
James: Well...  
  
Remus: No.  
  
James: Not really.  
  
Sirius: Yay! Harry Potter to the rescue!  
  
Remus: How predictable.  
  
"Thanks," Harry replied sarcastically. 


	4. Hedwig's Dark Side

The end. Ha! Just kidding  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Harry had tried everything. But still, he couldn't find the seemingly non-existant library. He had looked it up in the muggle phone book. (How do you think that went?)  
  
He had tried asking random people off the street, only to get tomatoes and cheese dip thrown at him.  
  
He sent a letter to Dumbledore, only to get a note saying, "I don't know where it is, but I've heard they have Tea Parties on Wednesdays"  
  
He tried eating donuts. That didn't help, either.  
  
He tried looking for Wormtail, but of course, only found a tattered and broken toy cow without any batteries in a dumpster. He took it home and named it Bartholemew.  
  
Hedwig wasn't too happy about this.  
  
Speaking of Hedwig - she just flew through the window with a letter attached to her leg.   
  
Harry opened the letter, and his eyes widened in shock.  
  
The Marauder's Map began to write words on itself.  
  
Remus: Who's it from?  
  
Harry looked up with his mouth wide open.   
  
"You."  
  
James: Me?  
  
Remus: No me, you dunderhead.  
  
Sirius: You?  
  
Remus: Me?  
  
Harry nodded.  
  
James: How'd you pull that one off, Moony?  
  
Remus: I dunno.  
  
Just then, realization and understanding hit Harry like a runaway shopping cart. "It's from you... but it's not from *you*."  
  
Sirius: Well, that explains a whole lot.  
  
Harry mussed his hair as he considered how to say this.  
  
Sirius: Prongs, did you see that?  
  
James: See what?  
  
Sirius: Harry just messed up his hair!  
  
James: That's just wonderful, Padfoot.  
  
Sirius: No, but you do that all the time!  
  
James: What's your point?  
  
Remus: HEY!  
  
Sirius: What?  
  
James: Huh?  
  
Remus: We're trying to figure out how I wrote a letter to Harry.  
  
Sirius: Oh yeah.  
  
James: Sorry, forgot.  
  
Harry finally found words to describe what he was trying to say. "Well, you know how you're still alive and all that?"  
  
Sirius: Stupid authors and their unjust decisions.  
  
James: Quiet, you. I'm dead, too.  
  
Remus: Ya?  
  
"Well, you just sent me a letter. Today."  
  
Remus: Err...  
  
"You're like thirty-something years old, and you just sent me a letter..."  
  
Remus: Oh!  
  
Sirius: I get it.  
  
James: You do?  
  
Sirius: Not really.  
  
Remus: What does it say?  
  
"Just wrote to see how you were doing." Harry read. He turned the letter over, and frowned. "That's it?"  
  
James: Quite the chatterbox, isn't he?  
  
Harry brought out a roll of parchment and a quill to reply the letter. He scratched his chin with the tip of his quill before realizing he just dipped it in ink.  
  
"ARGH!"  
  
Sirius: Ha!  
  
James: Inkie chin!  
  
He rubbed the ink off with one of Uncle Vernon's old socks, and then, as if a lightbulb had appeared over his head, he brightened as an idea struck him. He gasped, and started writing frivolously.(smashing good word, by the way.)  
  
Remus: What are you writing?  
  
Harry grinned proudly at his own brilliantness. (If that isn't a word, it should be)   
  
"I'm asking you if you know where to find the Library for Worn Out Trouble Makers who Think they are Young but Are really Dead and Sealed Inside of an Accursed Map That they Made Themselves While They were Children at School."  
  
Remus: But I don't!  
  
James: Or do you?  
  
Sirius: Dun dun dunnn...  
  
Harry smiled slightly. "But what if you know now?"  
  
Remus: Now?  
  
Harry nodded. "NOW now."  
  
Sirius: Huh?  
  
James: What?  
  
Wormtail: I think I know what he means.  
  
Sirius: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?  
  
Wormtail: Hello? I'm sealed in this map, too. I just kept quiet.  
  
Remus: Wormtail, where's the Library for Worn Out Trouble Makers who Think they are Young but Are really Dead and Sealed Inside of an Accursed Map That they Made Themselves While They were Children at School?  
  
Wormtail: Never heard of it.  
  
"Yet." Harry added.  
  
James: What?  
  
"He hasn't heard of it YET."  
  
Remus: And neither have I.  
  
"Yet."  
  
Sirius: Prongs, have you any idea what's going on?  
  
James: Not a clue.  
  
Sirius: Want to play Tic Tac Toe?  
  
James: Sure!  
  
Seconds later, a small tic tac toe thingy appeared in the corner of the parchment.  
  
Harry tried sending the letter off with Bartholemew, only to realize that Bartholemew couldn't fly. The broken toy cow only dropped and clattered through the bushes below. Harry sighed sadly, and opened Hedwig's cage.  
  
Hedwig bit his hand hard.  
  
"OUCH! What was that for?"  
  
Hedwig only glared.  
  
Harry reached out tentatively, "Just - just, send this letter to Lupin, okay?" Harry glanced at Hedwig warily, and averted his eyes from the threatening owl once again.  
  
Hedwig looked as if he could kill Harry any moment, but only ferociously snapped the letter, and flew out the window.  
  
Remus: If I were you, Harry, I'd try cooking some roast owl.  
  
Sirius: Is the chapter over yet?  
  
James: TIC TAC TOE! THREE IN A ROW!  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
LUPIN HAS TO HAVE A MIDDLE NAME!! It starts with a J. that's all I know. (does Professor R. J. Lupin ring a bell, anyone?)   
  
Maybe Rowling is just trying to torture me by not telling me.  
  
Or maybe it's not really that important.  
  
anyway, ignore me, that's just my stupid obsession. I love Lupin.  
  
So... I guess nobody knows the Monty Python phrase. I can't remeber what movie it was from - I don't think it was from the Holy Grail.  
  
Just in case there's somebody out there who knows what I'm talking about and has just failed to read my story, I won't spoil it just yet.  
  
Happy Saturday! (it IS saturday, right?) 


	5. Look, a chapter

Harry paced around his room, waiting for a response. He continued to pace around and around until he felt dizzy. Upon continuing to pace, he fell over, disoriented.  
  
Harry moaned, rubbed his head, and got back to his feet. As he brought up his head, he saw Hedwig already perched on the window with a letter tied to her leg.  
  
It read:  
  
Sure, I've been to that Library, but what would you need from there? Well, I heard they started having Tea Parties on Wednesdays. That should be fun.   
  
Back to the matter, if you want to find the Library - with the really long name - all you need to do is rub lemon on a pig's ear, make a cow fly, and reveal your deepest secret to someone who won't answer you. It's really simple.  
  
Hope you're doing well. I'll have someone from the Order, if not myself, to pick you up in a few weeks to take you to Diagon Alley for you new school materials.  
  
Don't get yourself killed,  
  
Lupin.  
  
~  
  
Harry was slightly taken aback. Lemon on a pig's ear? A flying cow? Deepest secret?  
  
It was a strange task - maybe even more difficult than the Triwizard Tournament.  
  
But he had to try.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
That night at the Dursley's was a huge celebration. Streamers and confetti were strewn about. Colorful bunches of balloons were tied to every knob and banister throughout the house. A large banner read, "Congradulations, Dudley" and beneath it were mounds upon mounds of presents.  
  
Set on the dining table was a monstrous chicken along with mountains of mashed potatoes and country gravy. Set around it were bowls of a wide variety of candies and sweets along with various cakes, pies and ice creams.  
  
Harry eyed the lemon meringue pie with longing.  
  
No, it wasn't Dudley's birthday, that was next week.  
  
It certainly wasn't Harry's.  
  
So what was the cause for this celebration, you ask?  
  
Dudley lost six pounds.  
  
That's right. This was Dudley's end-of-diet-all-you-can-eat party.  
  
Harry had a feeling Dudley would be back on the diet in no time at all.  
  
Concerning the matter of finding the Library - with the really long name - Harry already knew exactly what to do. He grinned as he watched the Dursleys sit down to the table. He had this all planned out.  
  
Lemon on a pig's ear? That was easy.  
  
Harry seized the lemon meringue pie and shoved it into the side of Dudley's head.  
  
Dudley paled, and Uncle Vernon turned a dark shade of puce, while Aunt Petunia shrieked with alarm.  
  
Harry darted out of the house - not only to escape from his Uncle's wrath, but also to further carry out his plan.  
  
He ran around the house and reached the bushes under his bedroom window. He brought out his wand, pointed it at the bushes and whispered, "Wingardium Leviosa."  
  
Out came Bartholemew, and into the air.  
  
Harry beamed, utterly impressed by his own cunning. He didn't even consider the fact that he had done magic outside of school. The only thing that mattered to him now was that a cow was flying.  
  
Uncle Vernon's incoherent shouts and curses became louder and louder, and Harry climbed the side of the house back to his bedroom, and locked the door.  
  
With a frown, Harry remebered the last and final step of the process.  
  
His deepest secret? No. He couldn't. He would never.  
  
With a thrill of panic and horror, he knew he had to.  
  
He mentally prepared himself for what he was about to do.  
  
~~  
  
Congrats to flyingpiggy who FOUND THE QUOTE! (is suddenly reminded of "Where's Waldo?")  
  
T'was: "Oh, you're no fun anymore."  
  
And as a reward, she'll be the evil librarian!!! Woooo! (next chapter, sorry) 


	6. Frosted Goat Monkeys and Evil Librarians

AN: I fully apologize about how strange this is getting. Most of my attention is focused on my other story, so I'm being a little less random than usual. Oh well.  
  
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize is Rowling's and anything stupid is mine. Got it?  
  
~~~~~~  
  
"Hedwig? Er... I have something to tell you."  
  
The disgruntled Hedwig peered over her shoulder with only the slightest amount of interest.  
  
Harry's heart started pounding in his ears. He'd never told anyone - not even Rowling. Confessing this might bring back his horrible childhood nightmares.  
  
But still, he had to do it for the sake of - well, for the sake of golden snitches everywhere. *author surprises herself*  
  
And plus, Hedwig wouldn't tell anyone.  
  
"I'm allergic to watermelon."  
  
Before Harry could see Hedwig's reaction to this, he felt himself hurled out of the room and across time and space to a place...  
  
a place...  
  
a place with lots of books. A library!  
  
He made it. The sign above him read, "Library for Worn Out Troublemakers who blah blah blah, oh sod it. If you went through the trouble of finding your way here, you should at least know where the heck you are. Information desk this way -----"  
  
Harry asked the librarian (whose name was Ida) where he could find a book that would teach him how to restore people sealed inside of enchanted maps into the real world even if they're dead. The librarian gave her pet pig a small piece of watermelon (which made Harry cringe) and directed him to a book entitled, "Frosted Goat Monkeys Part One"  
  
Shrugging, and wishing he hadn't been so inconsiderate of Bartholemew's feelings, Harry opened the book. He also realized he hadn't brushed his teeth, and his breath vaguely smelled like the Chamber of Secrets.  
  
Ida, the crazed librarian, stood up and started wandering around muttering, "What IS that smell?"  
  
Harry ignored Ida and grinned broadly when he found exactly what he was looking for.  
  
He quickly dashed out of the library, forgetting to check out the book at the front desk. A deafening alarm that resembled mutant crickets sounded, and the librarian chased Harry like mad. "Get back here, young man! In the name of flying piggies everywhere!"  
  
He ran like his life depended on it (and it probably did) and upon leaving the library, he realized he had no idea where he was or how to get back to Privet Drive. There were safari muggles all around him and gazelles prancing and zebras grazing, and a lion right next to him, ready to pounce, and the sputtering evil librarian running around in circles with her hands in the air.  
  
Harry desperately tried to apparate even though he didn't know how.  
  
What he saw next both befuddled him beyond reason and made perfect sense all at once.  
  
Right ahead of him, amidst the chaos, floating in the air, in the heart of Africa was a small cow - tattered and torn.  
  
"Bartholemew!" Harry cried with relief.  
  
He grabbed onto the toy cow's half-ripped tail, and flew away with it, narrowly missing the mental librarian's reach.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
AN: Well, it's official - Pres. Bush has declared Southern California a "federal disaster area". That oughtta keep the tourists away. (hehe, just kidding) On the bright side, the college is closed, the high school's closed, and I HAVE TIME TO WRITE MORE! *does a funky celebrating dance* I guess I shouldn't be celebrating with all the ashes swirling around outside and houses burning. My brother just about went berserck when he went out to his brand new sports car this moring and saw it covered in soot. Haha!  
  
Sorry the chapter was short, hope you liked it flyingpiggy! (the evil librarian, mwahahahahaha!) 


	7. The Chapter That Just Might Have A Purpo...

AN: poo snicket!  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
James: I'm bored.  
  
Sirius: Where's Harry?  
  
Remus: He's finding that Library.  
  
Sirius: Well, I know that, but what's taking him so long?  
  
James: Not a clue.  
  
Remus: He could be running around in Africa for all we know.  
  
James: I miss Lily.  
  
Sirius: That's too bad.  
  
James: I really love her.  
  
Remus: Lucky you.  
  
James: I think I'll marry her.  
  
Sirius: We all saw that one coming.  
  
Remus: Only one problem.  
  
James: What? Huh?  
  
Remus: You might want to deflate your head a bit, first.  
  
Sirius: Heh heh.  
  
James: What are you talking about?  
  
Sirius: Well, reading between the lines, I'd say Lily doesn't like you very much.  
  
James: Since when have you started reading between the lines?  
  
Sirius: When you stopped.  
  
James: Oh.  
  
Remus: Oy, look! It's the Boy-Who-Lived-but-According-to-Our-Time-Hasn't-Been-Born-Yet, being carried by a flying cow!  
  
Sirius: Wow, Moony, that's a new one.  
  
Remus: No, really!  
  
Harry smiled, dropped the book he was carrying onto his bed, and the toy cow named Bartholemew flew away.  
  
James: I'm guessing either you found the Library, or you got that book from a wandering muggle with no teeth.  
  
Harry nodded his head as he opened the book to the right page.  
  
Sirius: Was that a yes to the library, or a yes to the toothless muggle?  
  
Harry didn't answer, but only brought out his wand and said,  
  
"Narf."  
  
"What was that?" James asked.  
  
"I don't think it worked." Sirius said - dissapointed.  
  
Harry grinned. Remus grinned as well. "I think it did."  
  
"What makes you think that?" James asked.  
  
Harry looked as if it would have been obvious. "Look, there are quotation marks when you talk."  
  
Harry heard Hedwig hoot loudly to get his attention, but he ignored it.  
  
"Why should that matter?"  
  
"See?"  
  
Remus whispered something in Harry's ear, and without warning, Harry punched James in the nose.  
  
"What was that for?" James yelped, holding his nose.  
  
Harry hadn't meant to punch his dad that hard. But no, he wasn't his dad - he was only sixteen, which was Harry's age. Creepy.  
  
The sixteen year old Remus grinned slightly. "He wouldn't have been able to do that if you were stuck in a map now would he?"  
  
The sixteen year old Sirius beamed and started jumping up and down. Hedwig hooted angrily again - twice as loud, but Harry gave no heed to it.  
  
The sixteen year old Wormtail started jumping up and down, too. Everyone stopped and stared, and Wormtail looked as if ready to pee his pants.  
  
Without a word, he jumped out of the window. Hedwig gave a hoot that was nothing short of a screech, but Harry still ignored the stupid owl.  
  
There was a great flutter of wings everywhere as Hedwig started pecking Harry hard on the head.  
  
"Devil bird! Geroff!" (i STILL don't understand that word, by the way. Stupid me, just a california girl who's unfamiliar with these darn British terms. I'm trying here!) Anyhoo... back to the story.  
  
Finally, when Hedwig calmed down (or rather, Remus and Sirius grabbed her by the wings to keep her from pecking Harry to death) Harry figured out why Hedwig had been trying so desperately to get Harry's attention. Attached to her leg was a letter from the Ministry.  
  
It read:  
  
Heya, Harry!  
  
It's your friend, the Minister!  
  
Ya, I'm losing my job, but I thought I'd send you this letter letter saying that you performed a levitation charm OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL. So that's, what, 35 times so far?  
  
Anyway, who's counting? As long as the famous Harry Potter is protected from the evil Minister of Magic! Mwahahahahaha!  
  
So, feel free to drop by at your hearing... um, let's see, how about TOMORROW at four in the moring just to make it interesting.  
  
You may be expelled, you may not, but personally, I THINK YOU WILL!  
  
Cheers!  
  
Cornelius Fudge (In a scribbly signature that makes him seem important)  
  
~  
  
Sirius peered over Harry's shoulder, "What's it say?"  
  
Harry handed it to them.  
  
"Expelled!?" James exclaimed.  
  
Sirius was in shock. "They can't do this!"  
  
Harry heaved a depressed sort of sigh, "Actually, they can."  
  
"How so?"  
  
Harry looked at the ground, "I've had a hearing before, and it was a narrow miss from expulsion. I doubt they'd let me off this time."  
  
Harry thought they would be shocked, but James and Sirius only grinned broadly. "Way to go Harry!"  
  
Remus shook his head, "If these two dunderheads managed to escape from being kicked out of Hogwarts for six years, so can you."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
AN: I'm very very very sorry about this, but I am now feeding this story a big giant bottle full of sleeping pills. There. It's asleep now. Try not to wake it up. Have you ever heard the phrase, "If you chase two rabbits, they'll both get away" ? I don't know if I just made that up, but, anyways, I don't chase rabbits. I did once, but the security guard kicked me off campus. Actually, what the phrase means, is I can't really write so many stories at once. *don't attack me!* So, this story is asleep, because I'm gonna be working mainly on "By the Fate of the Moon". If the plotbunny decdes to bite me in the leg, and I'm struck by inspiration, I might update. But, other than that, I'll try to work on my other story.  
  
I still love you people! Don't send the rabbid weasels after me!  
  
Reviews...  
  
flying-piggy-123: Yay! You like it? Woohoo! complete and utter genius? *falls off chair* Yay for Bartholemew! Oh, you're no fun anymore!  
  
Cooki do: Hey, in response to your review, I got Sirius and all of them OUT! FINALLY! Love the name, by the way (hehe, cooki do!) dunno why.  
  
Valarauko: Hey, what's with you not updating your stories? Huh? Huh? (ha, just kidding, no pressure) Don't be TOO mean to harry about the watermelon. He's a lil sensitive right now. Thanks for the 'J name suggestions.' Maybe JKR will reveal his middle name in book 6 (along with many other things i hope)  
  
Thorn: haha, "governator". Thanks for the reviews (especially the one where you just laughed) hahahahahahahahaha. okay.  
  
Nixiy: Never could find a library with a donut. Ida's your hero? Let's see. I have alot of heros. Link, remus, Bartholemew, and the guy that invented toilet paper!!! What would stake YW girl's camp be if you couldn't TP the other wards? Mwahahahahahahahahaha!  
  
dinkdaelf: Poking rocks! *pokes herself, but nothing happens* oh well. bumpers? Ya, the fire's creepy. Wow, I can actaully see the sun today. Woohoo!  
  
LOTR, HP fan2: really great? are you sure? maybe you're confused with cheesy grape? (i THINK that rhymes) Woohoo, thanks for reviewing!  
  
nkittyhawk: i had no idea i could review my own story. Ha! 


	8. Thank Heavens for the Backspace Button

Harry woke up at three in the morning and left a note to the Dursleys saying, "I may very well be a criminal - must attend hearing to find out."  
  
Sirius, James, and Remus decided since they had nowhere else to go, that they'd go with him.  
  
"Hold on," Harry said as he was about to step out the door. He dashed upstairs, and came back down carrying an invisibility cloak.  
  
James squeaked. He ran towards Harry, and snatched the cloak out of his hands. "My cloak! I missed you!" He hugged the fabric and spun around in circles. "Did you miss me?" he asked the cloak. It didn't answer, but James couldn't care less. Harry, Remus, and Sirius stood back in alarm and warily ushered James out the door.  
  
"So, where are we going?" Srius asked cheerily.  
  
"I thought you, of all people, would know," Remus said.  
  
"We're going to the Ministry of Magic," Harry said gloomily.  
  
Sirius's eyes widened in panic. "No! They'll take me away! AWAY!"  
  
"Padfoot," James said. "You're dead. Why would they arrest you?"  
  
"Right you are." Sirius smiled again.  
  
"Stupid dog," James muttered.  
  
"Stupid furry woodland creature."  
  
"Wait," Remus said, stopping in his tracks. "Stop. Stop, stop stop, stop!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"This isn't supposed to have a plot!"  
  
"And what's wrong with a plot?" James asked, offended.  
  
"Haha, plot's a funny word!" Sirius said, sticking his finger in the air. "Plot! Plot! Plot!"  
  
Harry just shook his head miserably, and walked on in silence.  
  
Surprisingly enough, they walked the whole way. When they finally arrived, they were swarmed by papparazzi. Stupid questions were shot at Harry such as, "Will they take your scar away?", "Did you really kiss Cho?", "Did you watch Jeopardy last night?", and "What's the flying speed of an African swallow?"   
  
"African or European?" Sirius asked intelligently (quoting Monty Python, of course.)  
  
"Er..."   
  
"Stupid idiot!" James cried. "They just said African! And besides, they were asking Harry, not you."  
  
"And what's your name?" one female reporter asked Sirius. James kicked him. "Jimbo," he replied, holding his injured leg. "Jimbo Napkin."  
  
"By the way, where is Harry, anyways?" Remus asked, looking around.  
  
The papparazzi screamed in unison, and the rabid fans started squealing with terror when they found that Harry was already inside. Due to their numbers, they couldn't all get inside the phone booth that led to the Ministry building. So, instead, they pelted eachother with bananas and fake earrings. After a few minutes, they finally left, and James, Sirius and Remus were eating popcorn. Harry came out along with another wizard behind him, grinning broadly.  
  
"They let me off!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Why would they do a thing like that?" Sirius asked. "You're guilty!"  
  
James and Remus both smacked him upside the head.  
  
"Because Fudge died in his sleep! Spontaneous combustion!"  
  
"What?!?!"  
  
"That's right," came the wizard's voice from behind Harry. "He was watching Jeopardy, choked on a pretzel, and just blew up right on the spot."  
  
"Who are you?" James asked, his eyes wide like a little kid that just swallowed a weasel.  
  
"Remus Lupin."  
  
Remus fell over. (Not that one, the other one.)  
  
"Who's that?" Remus asked (the one still standing up).  
  
"Remus Lupin."  
  
Remus died. (The one still standing, who - clearly - is no longer standing)  
  
"Hey! You killed me!" the sixteen year old Remus cried.  
  
James and Sirius looked at eachother, grinning. "How could we? We're dead."  
  
Harry hit his head with a pedestrian. "I'm confused."  
  
"I'm not dead yet!" the assumed-dead-thirty-ish Remus said, face down in the dirt.   
  
"Yes you are!" Harry whispered harshly.  
  
"I'm getting better." (please excuse the constant Monty Python references. I really can't help it.)  
  
"But you're dead!" Harry said, quite lamely.  
  
James and Sirius whipped out their scripts. "Nope. He's not."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Yay!" Remus said, clapping his hands. "Two of me! He's like a twin except taller! And he looks like an old fogey."  
  
Lupin scowled at himself.  
  
James and Sirius put away their scripts, Harry sneezed, Remus poked Lupin, and Lupin poked Remus. Then, there was silence. Complete and total silence. Really really silent quietness. It was so quiet, you could hear the ants on the ground singing the national anthem. Well, almost.  
  
~~  
  
kittyhawk: I'm bored. I don't know what to write now!  
  
Rowling: Can I take over?  
  
kittyhawk: *rolls eyes* sure.  
  
Rowling: *squeals*  
  
~~  
  
All of a sudden!! There was a pretty little whispering veil. Bellatrix apparated out of nowhere, threw an antelope at Sirius, and both the antelope and the wizard fell through the veil. Harry sobbed, "Not again!"  
  
~~  
  
kittyhawk: *roughly takes quill from Rowling* Meanie!  
  
Rowling: Hey! It was only a joke...  
  
kittyhawk: Don't you have a couple books to write?  
  
Rowling: *looking sad* Oh. Crap.  
  
kittyhawk: *grins*  
  
*Eraser squeaks! Squeakie! Squeakie!*  
  
kittyhawk: Let's try that again, now, shall we?  
  
~~  
  
All of a sudden!! Bellatrix popped up out of nowhere! Along with Voldie! Sirius brought out a giant sword and killed them both.   
  
*Eraser squeaks*  
  
All of a sudden!! Bellatrix popped up out of nowhere (it's called apparating in case you were wondering) and threw an ant at Sirius. The poor ant dropped to the ground and hurt his left foot.   
  
"Awwwwwwww!" James said. "Poor little ant!" He then vowed to himself he would nurse it back to health.  
  
*Eraser squeaks*  
  
All of a sudden!! Belatrix threw an aunt at Sirius! It was Aunt Petunia, actually. It didn't hurt much, because she weighs less than a tissue. Then, Sirius brough Aunt Marge out of his pocket and threw it at Bellatrix. This was a fatal blow, amd they never heard from little Trixie again.  
  
And there was much rejoicing. (Again, Monty Python)  
  
And James started an ant farm, though he didn't know why. 


	9. PlotBeGone Potions are the Answer to Eve...

When Harry came back from the place that our readers don't know of, (still unaware that Harry had even left because the author had to make it that way at the last minute for this scene to work) he found Sirius watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, James watching Bambi (and taking notes), and Remus teaching Remus how to lick his elbow without breaking any bones.  
  
Harry feared for them. And for their fans.  
  
But, beside that, he had good news.  
  
"Hey! Guess what?" he called out, and everone stopped what they were doing to listen.  
  
"You locked yourself in your trunk again?"  
  
"No."  
  
"You killed Dudley with a frying pan?"  
  
"No. Remind me later."  
  
"You learned how to cook bacon without making pig noises?"  
  
"Sadly, no."  
  
"You ate another damn watermelon without realizing?"  
  
"No."  
  
"You brushed your hair for once?"  
  
"No."  
  
Sirius gasped and James brightened. "Wow, neither did I!" he exclaimed with awe and wonder. "Imagine that."  
  
"What'd you do?" Remus and Remus chimed in simultaneously while Sirius handed James a comb.  
  
Harry beamed proudly to himself. "I took a plot-be-gone potion and Voldemort and Peter and the evil librarian dissapeared!"  
  
The assembly blinked. "What evil librarian?"  
  
Harry coughed nervously. "Oh, er, nothing. No one. But the important thing is, is that there is no longer any plot whatsoever. And that's how the author intended. Isn't tht right, author?"  
  
*Author nods*  
  
Sirius clapped his hands. "Alright then. What next?"  
  
Remus and Remus looked to each other in silent agreement. "Pattycake!" they exclaimed.  
  
~~  
  
AN: Alright, I'm pretty sure I'll update. I'm feeling spontaneous. 


	10. The Chapter that Should Be Ending This, ...

Chapter 10: After Much Ponderment... the J in RJ Lupin.  
  
"Pattycake, pattycake..."  
  
James looked miserably over to where Remus and Remus were having jolly good fun. "That looks like jolly good fun."  
  
Sirius held his hands up. "Pattycake?"  
  
James gasped tralumferously. "Never!" he hissed.  
  
Harry stood up from his place by the trash can. "You people do realize we look like a bunch of idiots here camped out in the middle of the street, don't you?"  
  
Remus (who knows which one, the shorter one just had a growth spurt and the older one used that nice age-defying Oil of Olay lotion) looked around bewilderedly. "This is a street? I thought it was the path of life."  
  
Sirius spit out a sailboat, an James patted him on the back.  
  
"Great Scott, Harry," one of the Remuses said suddenly.  
  
"That's the old one," James muttered.  
  
"School started a month ago!"  
  
Harry sneezed in shock. "It did?"  
  
kittyhawk: that can't be right.   
  
"It is," Lupin said matter-of-factly  
  
kittyhawk: that's not how I wrote it.  
  
Rowling: Who made you the author?  
  
kittyhawk: uh oh.  
  
Rowling: Voldemort's gone!  
  
Remus frowned like a monkey that hasn't eaten for weeks. "Isn't that a good thing?"  
  
Rowling: No. I needed him to kill you off.  
  
"No!"  
  
Rowling: Yes.  
  
"No!"  
  
Rowling: Yes.  
  
"Villian!" Harry cried.  
  
Rowling: No.  
  
"Yes!"  
  
Rowling: No.  
  
kittyhawk: Darn, the plot's starting to thicken. There shouldn't be a plot!  
  
"The clouds are colliding!" Sirius yelled in awe, pointing up towards the sky.  
  
kittyhawk: That's better.  
  
"Who needs school anyway?" James proclaimed.  
  
"I do!" Harry replied.  
  
"Come on, son, be a slacker like me! You've inherited my millions, haven't you?"  
  
"But I need a good education so I can pursue the career that will forever alter my adult life!"  
  
"You're quoting McGonagall, aren't you?"  
  
McGonagall blushed. "Why, thank you Harry."  
  
"I was not!"  
  
"What's this career you pursue, anyway?"  
  
Ron suddenly showed up. "Everyone knows he wants to be a Quidditch player!" he said, rolling his eyes.  
  
Hermione protested. "He does not, Ron! He wants to be an Auror, don't you Harry?"  
  
"Er... shouldn't you be at school?"  
  
"I could ask the same of you."  
  
"We got to go on a field trip because we won Bingo," Ron said.  
  
Hermione frowned. "I thought we were experimentally ditching in order for some underaged fanfiction writer to make us rebelliously fall madly in love despite our age and the fact that we should be good little kids paying attention in class."  
  
"That, too."  
  
"We'd better leave," Ron said. "Before some demented blockhead starts a slash about me and you."  
  
Harry pelted Ron with a large canteloupe. "Sicko!"  
  
"By the way, what is this career you pursue?" Sirius asked.  
  
Harry mumbled something inaudible.  
  
"Sorry, didn't catch that."  
  
"He said something about bored slushies."  
  
"I WILL BE THE LORD OF THE PLUSHIES! AND YOU WILL ALL OBEY ME IN THE LAND OF THE PURPLE CORRIDOR AND I SHALL FORGE THE ONE PLUSHIE TO RULE THEM ALL IN THE DUSTY DEPTHS OF MOUNT VACCUUM!"  
  
Sirius whimpered.  
  
"And your army of dust bunnies?" James asked.  
  
"Them, too. Along with my forks."  
  
James smiled. "Ambitious little fellow, isn't he?"  
  
Remus and Remus nodded in near unison.  
  
"That's my baby."  
  
Harry cringed.  
  
~~~~~~ This chapter is in honorary honor of Remus J. Lupin's official middle name, confirmed by Rowling: John.   
  
My life is complete. 


End file.
